Thursday, May 31, 2007

As Yaye and Tallulah awoke one morning from uneasy dreams...


...they found themselves transformed into sensible 40 year olds.

I hate to belabor the point -- and I do believe this is why I have been so silent, because it IS boring to go on whinging continuously about something so irreversible and inevitable and commonplace -- BUT, I must say, six months in, turning 40 still SUCKS!

It still sucks even when the 24-year-old working at the desk next to me tells me I don't look a day over 31. I mean, Jehovah bless her (she's a Witness), but she couldn't even throw me the whole bone and say I look 30? I should be grateful, I know. But no matter how useful those extra howevermany pounds are for keeping my face from sagging and pruning, my going-on-41 womb is nevertheless on final rinse and heading for the spin cycle. The multiplying grey canNOT pass for highlights, now matter how much I try to delude myself. The ass is getting softer. The ankles are retaining fluid with alarming frequency.

Today there was a package on my front doorstep when I returned home from my part-time temp job in Satan's Lair -- I mean, at the pharmaceutical company. The parcel contained a black and tan dress-suit thingy. The kind of dress-suit thingy that is made from a nice synthetic blend that requires no ironing, hangs on generous curves with forgiving flounce, and comes with tiny little pads that don't widen, but merely square off the roundness of shoulders deprived of barbell use. It's lovely. It's from Coldwater Creek.

I received unsolicited Coldwater Creek catalogs in the mail for years, and while I admired the earth-mother-meets-lunching-lady aesthetic of their collection of jackets, tunics, slacks, and dress-suit thingies, I would smugly place my clothing orders for flowing skirts and lacy bras with J.Jill and Victoria's Secret, and think to meself, "Someday, when I am middle-aged, I will order clothes from Coldwater Creek."

I was right.

Labels: , , , ,

3 Comments:

Anonymous Lyfie said...

If you want to feel young at heart, I suggest a trip to Branson, MO. You will be the youngest, tannest and thinnest by far. I am currently chronicling my adventures at lyfordpalooza.

"earth mother meets lunching lady" for some reason this phrase pleases me. I am savoring it's aftertaste in me cranium.

(I am not sure what the male equivalent of Coldwater Creek, but I remember my father used to order his Old Man Pants from Haband.)

12:30 AM  
Anonymous Old Talu said...

A neighbor came over to my house, she saw my wedding picture, she said Who's that in the picture? I realize that was 18 years, 25 pounds ago, but come on...

People don't even question when I say I'm 40. I suppose the even weirder thing is that all my life I have been the youngest, now with the friends I've made here, I'm the oldest. And their off handed comments, while well intentioned, seem so utterly cruel.

That's enough of my whining, nothing I can do really, except for some laser treatments and thermage. And maybe some slimfast with all natural hoodia...blah blah blah

Guess I'm vain.

2:01 PM  
Anonymous yaye said...

Lyfie!

Oh yes, Branson, MO - a place I send my mother every couple of years. She looooooves it! (Hey! I AM younger, tanner and thinner than her! What a victory for me!)

The first time she did Branson, she was so thrilled that she wanted to share her experience with me, as a thank you. So she sent me a Yakov Smirnoff video she picked up at his theater. To my (fill in the blank), the video was defective and would not play. Oh woe.

Thank you for appreciating my CC description (I blush). I don't know Haband, but I suspect you're on the right metaphoric track.

Young Tallu (younger than me, enjoy it!)!!

Never trust anyone under 40, particularly when they're trying to make you "feel better." That's my new credo. Their wisdom has not quite caught up to their intentions.

Also, I think folks might assume your age because you are married to a much older man. That's right, I say blame Mr. Tallu! Let HIM get the laser treatments!

Hee. We're all vain.

5:41 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home